[ instant cake ]

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Cooking, to me, is a means to an end. If I could get takeout for every meal or have a live-in chef, I totally would. My excuse for not liking cooking is that I have better things to do with my time. Sometimes those better things happen to be Netflix and online shopping, but regardless, they’re still better uses of my time than making sure my chicken doesn’t set off any smoke detectors.

Anyways, when cooking is a means to an end, and you don’t feel like spending time or money on your personal well-being, instant food is a spectacular solution. Instant ramen, instant mac n cheese (yes, sometimes I’m too lazy to even make mac n cheese the right way), you know the basics. But at my most recent Wal-Mart Express trip I discovered something truly beautiful and miraculous: instant cake.

I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is no, I do not think about how many empty calories I consume a day. I’m 20 and enjoying my metabolism while I have it. 

Instant cake costs 98 cents for a pack of two. It’s a magical transformation that you won’t believe until you see it. Step 1 looks like this: 

 
If you thought I’m actually a sophisticated enough blogger to give you a real recipe for cake, let me reiterate that I’m not a real blogger. Just a realistic blogger. And the reality is that yes, I make instant cake, as in 30-second microwaveable cake, as in Betty Crocker’s Warm Delights. And yes, I will continue to give you step-by-step instructions. Because I’m still civilized, even if I use alternative baking methods. 

Step 1: Put mix into bowl. Wonder how you will be eating this unappetizing Mars dust in literally a minute.

   

Step 2: Put a tablespoon and a teaspoon of water in and mix. It’ll look a little more reasonable after this. 

 
Step 3: Add the chocolate icing or whatever it is in that silver packet thing. It won’t look as skillful as it does on the packaging. Don’t expect art here.  

 
Ok, whatever, I know I did a terrible job, but it’s instant cake. Who actually cares that much?

Step 4: Microwave for 30 seconds, and I mean 30 seconds. You’ll question everything about the laws of physics and chemistry and whatever else once you see how fast this thing turns into something edible.  

 
Voila! Instant cake. What a thing of beauty. I’m never actually baking again until my future husband makes me. Except the goal is to have a future husband who bakes better than I do, actually, so it’s really his problem if I don’t enjoy stirring in a bowl when I could be ordering pizza or ordering clothes. Whichever is more important at the moment. In any case, instant cake is the new instant ramen, and I’ll be interested to see what other crappy instant excuses for real food there are out there. 

Until then, enjoy your chocolate-flavored 30-second miracle.

– A

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